Emoticons

DISCLAIMER: This post is a break from the "let people live the way they want" vibe of the blog thus far. This is only my very personal view on the use of emoticons. I'm not trying to rain on anybody's parade. If you use emoticons and are easily offended perhaps skip this post and my apologies.
Since my live and love tour is temporarily on hold due to the arduous task of applying for graduate school, I can now direct my attention to blogging about the really important things in life, like the use of emoticons. I used to be down with emoticons. Back when AIM was the center of my universe I frequently used AOL's gallery of faces (with the tongue face being especially naughty for a 6th grader..) How else could I add an exclamation point to my "LOL" but with a cute little smiley face?! Mophie2216 used emoticons purposefully and frequently. Then I graduated from middle school.
Maybe that was harsh, and I'm a little sorry to my friends who are addicted to using these expressions of self, but not that sorry. Overuse of emoticons is a problem, and one that I would like fixed, preferably immediately. What, exactly, are you trying to convey to me with that smiley face? That you're joking? That you're laughing? That you're happy? Including an emoticon NEVER adds clarity to a message, in fact it makes it more ambiguous. HOW am I supposed to know WHICH of the above variables applies to any specific message. And if you use a smiley face with EVERY text message then it automatically loses all meaning (meaning that it doesn't have to begin with), like the overuse of the word "love" or "aggressive."
More importantly, what is the meaning behind winky faces? Are you alluding to an inside joke that I don't get, or are you trying to be sexy? If you're using a winky face in attempt to be sexy then I will automatically assume that you are an underage, braces-wearing teenager OR a federal agent trying to catch a predator. Anything that uses a punctuation mark with the word colon in it is not, nor will ever be, sexy. Thanks. Try Again.
My guidelines to acceptable emoticon use (obviously a personal opinion, by all means continue to look silly through dumb faces):
-once a week, at the very most. Remember, overuse makes your "O" face seem fake...
-ironically, though this one is tricky because it's hard to sense irony through texts, completely dependent on the sender/the context.
or
-never.
I will proudly eat these judgmental words if one can offer up a situation where an emoticon added value to the message they were trying to send. Otherwise, if the words in your text message don't adequately express how you are feeling, do me a favor, save the face and call me, 617-650-2082.
xo
e